WHAT. JUST. HAPPENED.

I still don’t know what I watched today.

Ever since the final whistle I’ve been struggling to come up with an adequate sports equivalent. It’s been hours, I still don’t have one, and my brain now hates me.

This just doesn’t happen. I mean, this is the World Cup. This is the semifinals. Hell, THIS IS BRAZIL. A lopsided loss in football is 4-0. SEVEN to one, in this competition, on that stage, to that country, in that country is at the very least a sign of impending plague.

Brazil taunts other countries with their ostentatious footballing pedigree because as soon as one begins to fade, another arrives. No country can match this list of genius: Pelé, Garrincha, Zico, Romario, Rivaldo, Roberto Carlos, Ronaldo, Ronaldinho. The footballing world is never given an opportunity to catch up. They flick and trick you into believing everyone else playing the sport isn’t meant to be.

This isn’t to say they’re never beaten just, when they are, it’s typically a schematically stubborn and borderline embarrassing display of coal miner defending. Nothing like this. Nothing like 7-1.

It’s as if God had a half hour to spare so he plugged a controller into life, chose Germany, and couldn’t disregard his omniscience. It was such a confident and tactical dismantling that Germany didn’t even bother with the blast suit. They strolled right up to Brazil wearing flip-flops and lederhosen, snipped the appropriate wire, put on sunscreen, and billed their employer a full day’s work.

Germany is the new Brazil.

The linking of passes was so quick and so measured that each Brazilian defender looked like he was playing three separate games of pinball at once. Over the past 6-8 years the Germans have been committed to developing a new prototypical player and fluid style of play. We knew they had grown from talented to formidable — but THIS?

And I honestly don’t know how to explain it. Yes this Brazil was a weak side. Yes they were scraping by teams while riding the host nation high. Yes Neymar was a huge loss. Yes Thiago Silva was a less huge but still huge loss. I don’t care. This shouldn’t happen.

But it did.

And I don’t know what that means. I’m not even sure how to be in this new world. All I know is that I’m commuting to work tomorrow entirely in reverse gear because that just seems right right now.

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